


I Begged You To Stay

by naturallesbain



Series: Dealing With My Problems [3]
Category: The Outsiders - S. E. Hinton
Genre: :), Depression, Hope y'all like my depressing stuff, I'm crying lol, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-17
Updated: 2020-10-17
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:55:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27059854
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/naturallesbain/pseuds/naturallesbain
Summary: Stay.Another Jally fic while I'm crying at 4 am? Yes. Inspired by the song Twin Sized Mattress.Read the tags before reading, please.
Relationships: Johnny Cade/Dallas Winston
Series: Dealing With My Problems [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1967866
Comments: 2
Kudos: 24





	I Begged You To Stay

**Author's Note:**

> I had made some friends over a few months when I was on Instagram. They were both such amazing people who had shitty lives with so much negativity they let go. 
> 
> I never had the chance to meet them irl but we all had close bonds. We had all been hurt as kids, left alone for far too long with the wrong people. 
> 
> They both ended up leaving me after a while. I think about them a lot, I hope they're okay, I hope they're not in pain anymore.

We were friends and lovers, sitting in my apartment, sharing a cigarette while watching the sunset.

The last time we watched it together, it had been raining. The sunset had a yellow and orange hue before turning red, the colors merging to look like blood.

The look on your face as you told me what your parents had done to you, what you've had to go through to survive was enough to break me. You'd begged me to say something when I had no words, the emptiness cursing my throat as you sobbed to me. I pulled you in close, crying with you, but comforting you.

It was something we both needed.

We needed each other like how the sun met the moon, how the ocean needed its tides.

Yet you left.

I remember being on the phone with you that night, listening to your choked sobs as I tried to calm you down, keep you alive for one more night.

"I'm gonna help you swim," 

"I'm tired,"

I begged you to stay.

"Please,"

"Hey man, I love you, but no fucking way," 

I ran to your house, broke in through the window. 

I've never cried so hard.

I cried as if it was the only thing I could do, despite the anger coursing through my system as I tried desperately to stop the sobs echoing out of my mouth.

I hadn't been able to tell the rest of them without breaking down.

I hadn't been able to face them and tell them I failed at being there for you.

I hadn't been able to tell them that I was horrible, that I never really helped you, just distracted you, stretching out your final moments.

You were in pain.

I was too in away.

I remember the stench of liquor from your room and the bottle of pills beside you.

I remember how you always hated whiskey, that being the choice of beverage for your father.

In your note, you said you wanted to feel free.

" _I wanna be able to live in the world, free of judgment, let myself love who I want. Let me do that, let me be free."_

You're free now.

I read that line in my head, memorizing it every day as I stare at the ground, silent tears leaking down my face as I think at what I could've done. 

I held Ponyboy as he cried, too. We had all been friends. 

I've never seen the gang cry so hard.

I've never seen Darrel cry so hard.

Soda was gasping for breath.

Steve was holding him.

Two was curled in on himself.

Darrel had been trying to get everyone to calm down, but he gave up.

We all loved you, Johnnycakes, why'd you have to leave?

I hope you're free.

I hope you're free to live how you want to wherever you are now.

I hope I join you when I go. 

I hope I'm free with you.


End file.
